In his quixotic crusade to achieve regional peace,
Don Nikol de la Pasha tilts at Sis and Massis.
He (or rather his handlers, whosoever they might be)
Thinks remembering Ararat an act of hostility.
But Ararat, the symbol of Armenia from the very start,
Graces countless books and countlesser works of art.
He recently wiped it from the official passport seal
Because, though it exists in history, “history isn’t real.”
Thus, he’s set out to root it out wheresoever it might be,
Whether it’s on a pack of cigarettes or in Khorenatsi.
In fact, Nikol has a lackey named Mirzoyan Ararat,
Which Turkish TV deliberately misspelled “Arabat”.
Yet Ruben Rubinyan claims this campaign of cultural erasure
Is on their own initiative, not the result of Turkish pressure…[1]
Not only is that a lie, of the two options, it’s clearly the worst:
To voluntarily be destroying one’s own history…uncoerced!
Soon Nikol’ll erase Ararat from the coat of arms’ shield,
Which an anthropomorphic lion and eagle pair wield.
Alen Simonyan said the lion’s face looks like an emoji
And that he disliked the mountain’s meaning in theology;
For, he says, the emblem is inappropriate and improper
Since it depicts the Great Flood and Armenia underwater.
Funny: he dislikes seeing Armenia flooded with the seven seas,
But doesn’t mind flooding it with Indians and Azerbaijanis.
What does it matter to him what image the coat does or doesn’t adorn
When he, with bear chest and arms, starred in a soft core porn?
The scene, complete with bow-chika-wow-wow music at its start,
Opens with Alen kissing and fondling some Russian tart.
Speaking Russian, he puts his hand up her skirt
And then Mr. Proper Image hurriedly takes off his shirt.
His fat gut spilling over his belt becomes hard to ignore,
Giving new meaning to the term “soft core”.
Now, which image is improper and makes you more nauseous:
Armenia at the time of the Flood or Alen Simonyan topless?
Reverting to his instincts, that of a con man through and through,
Nikol’s recently tried perpetuating a classic shell-game switcheroo.
Placing Ararat under one cup and showing the spectator,
He takes mount Aragats and places it slyly under another.
He shuffles them furiously around and around and around,
Hoping the first gets lost in the shuffle, never again to be found.
But Armenians, a crafty people, keep pointing out the right cup,
So now the con man throws in other mountains like Khustup…
With his shrill voice—standard for every duxov demagogue—
He blew the following smoke in a city already enveloped in smog:
“Friends, Armos, countryman, lend me your ears!
(Though in this appendage, I am never in arrears)
If you wish to finally live in perpetual peace,
Avert your gaze from Ağrı Dağı’s twin peaks!
In fact, don’t look up at all; instead, look down:
Fix your gaze not on the stars, but on the ground!
Don’t look over the horizon nor at the skies afar,
For you might catch a glimpse of the moon or a star,
And, as you know, the Turks own the earth’s satellite,
Since they were the first to complete a lunar spaceflight.
Two Turks landed on the moon in the year 1882:
One was Yildiz Aldrin and the other Neil Armströngoğlu…
What, you didn’t know these well-established, well-known facts?
Haven’t you been paying attention in ‘History of Armenia’ class?
Anyway, on days Yerevan’s miasma is choking its skies,
And Ararat is hid, there’s no need to avert your eyes.
But on those rare days that the smog isn’t so thick,
Look down instead at my uncircumcised d—!
And on the off-chance that the sky is perfectly clear,
Look down at my apparently uncut kleer!
If you ever accidentally catch a glimpse of it on a walk,
Never forget that I publicly offered to expose my c—-!”[2]
At any rate, if Ararat constitutes a territorial claim,
Then of Armenia itself one can say the same,
For “Ararat” is only how you say it in Hebrew:
“Ararat” means Armenia because Armenia means Urartu.[3]
Our nation traditionally began in 2492…that’s B.C.,
Long, long before Jehovah and Mary had a son named J.C.
I’m bad at math, but the following is true no doubt:
1700 years with the cross is less than 2793 without.
Thus, it’s a fact: Armenia can afford losing the cross,
But it absolutely cannot afford this mountainous loss.
Now, if you ask me about symbols, to be sure,
I’d put them all away and replace them with a Փ!
Footnotes:
[1] In an Armenian language interview with Civilnet from September 17, 2025.
[2] See for example, “In bitter duel with Armenian church, PM Pashinyan offers to show he is not circumcised”, Euronews.com, 6-26-25, or “Armenian PM Pashinyan offers to show his penis to head of Church”, OC Media, 6-24-25.
[3] Armenia and Urartu are used interchangeably in the Behistun inscription.
